someone owes me an orgasm
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize