Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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