You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You are a genius and a whore.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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