Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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