All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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