smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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