don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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