i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
