I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
