I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
one might say we're banned from that church
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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