need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
