Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Success! We fucked roommates!
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