i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
