im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
