Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
