remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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