i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My vagina is officially offended.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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