I can text with my tongue
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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