I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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