and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
