Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
