Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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