I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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