Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
