So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
