So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
