Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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