I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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