I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
