She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
