i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
