at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
