based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
