i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
