it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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