Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
