i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
