this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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