I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
