tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
