nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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