i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
