the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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