i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
