shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
