Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
