just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
