I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
