Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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