good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
