Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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