when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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