So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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